


it's always been just him and me together

by thebeasknees



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Boys In Love, Evan learns how to be dependant on people, Fluff, If You Squint - Freeform, M/M, growing together, soft, very very very very vaguely mentioned self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:15:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26887228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees
Summary: Evan and Connor stumble on eggshells through life together. They learn the steps, and they learn how to step lightly. Together, they walk on eggshells like walking on sidewalks.OR: Evan doesn't know what normal is. Connor helps him find it.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 15
Kudos: 33





	it's always been just him and me together

Dependency was like the bare floor on his feet in the mornings. The low clouds in the sky outside, grey and dull, and the rain that patterned on the sidewalks. 

He freezes up as the cold floor shrivels his way up his legs, shivers, grabs his blanket. His feet are still bare, but he has something to cover himself with.

Evan has learned that safety is a lucky thing. Assurance is for the wealthy. He doesn't know what will happen the next day, he doesn't know what it brings him- and he longs so much to know, but he is never graced with such privilege.

Evan stumbles through life on eggshells. He has learned what steps to take, and he has learned what not. He knows the creaks in his steps and he is light on his feet. He is not balanced-(nothing else in his life is), but it's just enough. Just enough to keep him alive for another day. And another. And another. And another.

His only goal is to stay alive.

Which is something that he has nearly failed a few times. He questions each day if it was even a good goal.

The first day of senior year, Evan doesn't know what to expect. He'd like to know. He'd like to assure himself he'd get through the day, he'd like to assure himself that he'd make a few friends, maybe even finally talk to Zoe Murphy(who he has a longing need to be friends with, and friends only, for some reason).

But he has no map, no normal. Everything around him crashing down  _ is  _ his normal. Moving around all the time, picking up jobs, staying up late at night, depending on him and him only- which is already a shaky structure,

So Evan cannot read through the lines as he becomes friends with Connor Murphy. 

Evan does not know when Connor becomes a part of him normal. Evan does not know when he enters his life and settles himself in  _ so  _ easily, like Evan hasn't dealt with everyone else he' s gotten attached to abruptly leaving him for something better, something prettier. 

And as everything is crashing, Connor is the one thing that hasn't torn away from him.

Evan learns to lean on Connor while he's sleeping. Evan learns to hold onto his hand like he's going to for the rest of his life, Evan learns that he would live for Connor instead of die- Evan learns that eggshells are a little easier to walk, with him on his side.

He reads between the lines as the norm grows bigger and bigger. They have routine. They have a schedule. They have A Thing, that's  _ only  _ their thing.

Connor reaches out for Evan's hand more. He lays kisses on his nose and his eyes and his neck, runs his fingers through his hair and holds him to his chest, and this is abnormal to Evan as well, but everything about their Friend Crush relationship is abnormal. He decides to let it happen. Connor has soft lips and even soft hands, and a heartbeat that's nice to listen to.

  
  


Connor's voice is soft against his ears, making its mark and leaving a scar of  _ when he was here _ . Or, Evan thinks. He's still not quite used to this whole apparent  _ forever  _ thing they've got going.

Evan does the same. He learns the creases in Connor's cheeks and the wrinkles on his nose and his dimples. He learns his eyebrows and he learns his neck, his collarbones- he traces over them so he never forgets them.

He wants to be able to close his eyes and remember every piece, every scar, every bone. He wants to suck it all in and keep it in his memory so he never forgets.

  
  


Evan and Connor stumble on eggshells through life together. They learn the steps, and they learn how to step lightly. Together, they walk on eggshells like walking on sidewalks. 

And as Evan looks up into Connor's eyes, sees his smile, sees his creases and his bones and  _ all  _ of him, he has never been so sure of the future in his life.

  
  


Dependency was a privilege.

And finally, he's been graced with it.


End file.
